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| And yes, this also led me to also delve into people who type in this manner: "29 i wun b cumin on9 cz tt tym i tld u ald, nt tt i nv tel u rite, gd9 4 nw k, lolx, bb?" It never once fucking failed to irri-fucking-tate the fuck out of me.
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| I delved into the issue of insecurities and derived with a couple of conclusions:
1. Insecurities of an individual could be caused by not treating your partner well or being unfaithful (e.g infidelity).
2. A large number of the insecurities of an individual are self-caused.
3. There is little or, if not, absolutely no way to cease a individual's insecurities when those are self-caused.
4. There could also be insecurities of an individual caused by his/her partner (e.g wealth, looks, promiscuous lifestyle)
Let us take for example, if I had a sweet, caring and faithful partner, the kind all one could ever have asked for and I did her wrong - being unfaithful to her by sleeping with another. You clearly know she doesn't know a thing about it but subconsciously in your mind, you fear that she actually knows about it, and might be silently plotting a vindictive kind of revenge on you by doing the same to, upsized. The nicer she is to you, the more suspicious you get. Viola and there you go, your very own actions have just led yourself to your very own insecurities.
Through experience, no amount of a regular dose of verbal assurance or assurance by actions is ever going to cease an individual's self-caused insecurities. Next, the more common one - insecurities caused by your other half. This usually occurs when there is evidently a huge mismatch of any of the following - status, wealth, looks, level of education, lifestyle, personalities and so on. However, this kind of insecurities would be easier to deal with as they aren't self-caused in the first place. Constant verbal assurance or assurance by actions though would prove little help, but it would definitely be more effective than the latter - self-caused insecurities I reckon.
I wonder if that it is the nature of a certain breed of women but let me share with you another example. Take for instance, you have a sweet and caring husband who is more than faithful. Apart from his first merits like being sweet, caring and faithful, he is also good-looking and he is a high networth individual. I feel that this would eventually lead to the again, self-caused insecurities to a certain breed of women who just would not believe that in reality, such a person could never exist and things are just so perfect, highly unreal.
My logic is that, when things are just so perfect, that certain breed of women would not believe in and they tend to get suspicious and would dig into the issues and stir things up just for a selfish reason (which is to prove themselves right) - that nothing is/was/would ever going to be ever so perfect. By doing that, they are frivolously ruining their perfect relationships. Do you see what I mean and realise how self-caused insecurities could be such a calamity?
I would give credit to people who could think based on experiences but however that doesn't necessarily apply to all. Some people could age and through experience, they could think whilst some others could never think despite the myriad experiences they have had in life simply (despite the age) because they are ignorant or they just lack the brain cells to analyse in their studies, or for that matter, life or life's abundant experiences itself.
It seems like a far reach for me to have that ideal kind of adult relationship whereby we wouldn't be plagued with childlike emotions, incessant tantrums, the need for constant and undivided attention, excessive insecurities, excessive jealousy but instead, be rationale, engage in logical and factual reasoning, requited compromising, and perceive the fact that - in reality, we need money to survive in life and run a family and not just all that average teenage kind of mindset in handling relationships.
I have had enough of all that rubbish.
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| I couldn't stop her from boarding the flight. In her eyes, everything I do or say would ultimately, always be wrong. This is no tear-jerking korean melodrama which always somehow has this rigged and fairytale-like ending, especially for the airport scenes. In these bloody dramas, some kind soul would help diseminate the flight infomation and rushes off to the airport. In reality, I searched the whole bloody Terminal one, two, three and budget for her possible flight timings over various airlines because some kind souls decided to keep it a secret after they realised blood is thicker than water. I worked the mathematics, alongst with the probability and luck game and managed to locate her at the check-in counters but the ending wasn't that fairy-tale like. To digress, I was jolted out of bed and interrogated by her like a suspect under detention when she spied on my mobile yet again whilst I was asleep. I was never the unfaithful sort in this relationship, blame it on her own insecurities and my eccentric nature but I just couldn't reply her in a sweet manner especially when I did nothing wrong. I couldn't blame myself for spewing anger words (but regretful) even though I was clearly at fault for blurting out the words with the highest possible damage to one's heart, "If you are not happy, you could just shift out". After all our nine-hundred and ninety-nine quarrels (which became a norm), and all sorts of rubbish and injustice, I was always the "one" at fault. Blame it on our identical personality, blame it on both of us being fire ariens, our excessive pride and ego never once got the better of us (or rather, of me). Whether right or wrong, it was and forever deemed as my duty to give in. People get over-pampered, the relationship falls one-sided and the word, compromise would never ever surface. It's no longer about working things out, it's about giving in fully. Being a typical guy who is highly logical and rationale, I go by the facts, the right or wrongs to determine the "to give in" or "not to give in" approach. I go by fairness and justice but apparently it never did worked on her. I have no regrets for I know I have always walked more than an extra mile for her and there rarely could be any other but just that I couldn't give in to her temper, her tantrums, her ego and her personality. My merits were never ever appreciated but instead my tiniest flaws were used against me. I have clearly been unhappy for the longest time. Indeed it hurts but this is nothing new. I need to get the facts rights and understand that I should leave when I'm not the least appreciated. I have given my up my life, my social and family life all for her and when she walks out on me for the upteenth time, there's absolutely no one to fall back on. Like what they said, I was the one who chose it afterall. I have swallowed incaculable misery and my own pride all these while. Its sad that I am a male who wasn't, isn't, would never be given the least respect I ought to get. It's alright, I'd deal with it. Blame it on the demographics, blame it on the evolution to a high powered society, women were never be like those in generation "X" who sits at home to sew, cook, and look after the kids. Clearly, my head tells me to let go but my heart would buldge. Advice me on what should I do if you could but again, I ain't the captain of this aircraft so it's not about whether what I should, or could do. It all lies with her.
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| The most frivolous mistake I committed in life would be that - following the mainstream crowd might not always be a good idea or a right decision. It was a huge regret I could never sleep well for over a year. I'd like to keep my story short.
I was a doing a Diploma in design in my early tertiary days, albeit having zero passion for design (or rather anything in life). My grades couldn't get me anywhere besides engineering but I chose not to proceed with it as Mathematics weren't my forte. I somehow conveniently ended up with my next available choice and it was none other than design. The next best thing you could have expected, I loathed my drawing blocks and the paint brushes because I felt unimportant and that I was not doing anything constructive. I managed to scrape through with zero passion and I was awarded with a useless piece of paper qualification - the Diploma. There came my next phase in life, compulsory national service - serving the military for two disgusting years. Instead of being out there carving a niche in my academia or career, I was out in the forest digging trenches, like the other unfortunate male citizens.
Being caught in a typical high powered Asian culture, the paper chase was deemed to be the only "right" thing to do for a better life. Two years of suffering in the military gone by just like that and I proceeded with the mainstream because it was considered the "wisest" thing to do - to pursue a bachelor's degree in university. That was the time I figured I was back on the right track and made the "right" decision so I ended up enrolling in a three-year Bachelor's Degree programme in Economics and Finance offered by an established and renowned Australian university. The thing in my mind was afterall, everybody was pursuing a university degree, it was the only right thing to do. It was a major switch for me, a total culture shock because instead of holding paint brushes and drawing blocks, I was back to my calculators and doing accounting once more. I started from scratch but never had issues with the examinations. I had so much fire in me and I worked hard even during my vacation breaks in established banks and government investment companies until I met my other half more than a year ago - who turned out to be a cabin crew for the best airline in the world.
Being with her meant I was exposed to everything of her job and before long, I knew everything about the industry inside out. It was right from the roster planning to the aircraft fleets, configurations, specifications, meal services and even the IATA country codes were behind my fingertips. I knew everything about their linked flights or turnaround flights, their 4-sector flights, their layovers, their residences, their staff numbers, their basic wages and allowances and just about everything a cabin crew should know.
This ceased the fire in me because I realised I was just about like the majority who blindly pursue a further education and I might either end up in the fresh graduate's unemployment statistics or end up getting a job with wages way inferior to that of a cabin crew, doing monotonous stuffs all day long with neverending overtimes. For a male in that airline, he could bag anything between three to five grand per month including allowances. The kind of money I see really screws my brain up all the time. A typical four-day Europe flight allowance would be equivalent to that of a month's wages for a bus captain here. The money keeps rolling in, right from the allowances to the gratuities and to the bonuses. You get to globe-trott all, enjoy the finest food and sights in life and you get to visit places people could only dream all their lives. An average salary of three to five grand per month is pretty good for those who don't even have a basic diploma I reckon.
The wise and thrifty ones would work for some five years, have an accumulated savings of a six-figure sum - the hundred grand mark. Some would purchase a private apartment and rent it out, quit flying and live on the yields from the rentals, brilliant isn't it? They eat good food all the time, branded bags and all they wouldn't mind splurging their entire allowance from a Europe flight just to get another costly designer bag from Milan. Their pictures are sprawled all over facebook from country A to Z. They lead the kind of high and glamourous life and this often makes me wonder, did I make the right decision of pursuing a university education?. The minority of brilliant ones joined the airlines after they graduated and they began their wondrous lives they could ever imagine of and some were hooked to the sweet wages and lifestyle they had difficulties in tendering their resignation even though they no longer had interests in their job. The more intelligent ones remained loyal to the airline and worked for them for their entire lives. I see the people in their mid-forties to fifties still in the airline as in-flight supervisors. I pretty much expect their basic and allowances to rake up an average of eight to nine grand per month, way too good for an uncle who only has GCE 'O' Levels qualification. I figured that would even make some pilots, the first officers that is, to be in the same situation as myself, which is to wonder why did they ever chose to painstakingly fly the aircraft and be held responsible for the many lives when a cabin crew's in-flight supervisors wages is nowhere inferior (except in annual bonuses).
The fire in me ceased but despite skipping 90 percent of the lectures and doing self-study all the time, I managed to breeze through my first two years of studies without much hassle with some couple of distinctions. I am struggling now, especially when I am at the maximum level of both macro and microeconomics, there's no better way to console myself and tell myself I would not die from the graphs. For all you know even if I graduated, I might be unemployed or even so employed, having minimum wages and maximum brain-spoiling plus daily overtimes, the crews on the other hand, having the best time in their lives and earning way more than me. I'm in my final year and my final phase and quitting was never an option because I have to finish up what I have started. I have plans when I graduate, probably becoming a cabin crew myself, or seek employment in the financial district in London because to live is to travel and I live to travel.
I feel really unsettled.
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